I’m Desperate & I know it
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CaptivATE
Everyone must choose the road they will take in life and for a special few, that road would lead to Wisteria Lane. – Mary Alice
Although I’ll agree with my husband and admit the show has “jumped ship” over the past few seasons, I’m still sad to see it end.
Eight seasons of secrets, sex and scandal.
Sunday nights will never be the same.
Yeah, the plots are a bit outrageous and crass, but it’s the women that have always enamored me with their beauty and charm. Sure, they’ve got stylists, script writers and Photoshop on their side, but season after season, they age with such grace. It’s as though Wisteria Lane has sprouted it’s own Fountain of Youth with only Mrs. McClusky missing the boat.
I’ve decided there may be a few of us out there who could use a lesson in aging — “desperate style”. A slap in the face, if you will, that says “Hey you, only Grandmas use the word Davenport!”
1. Drive to your salon (right now!) and make your hairdresser pinky swear to never give you the token mom-cut or a blue haired perm. In fact, next time you see your stylist, tell her you want the “Susan Meyer” for the next 20 years.
2. Repeat after me: Style supersedes comfort — No matter how appealing that elastic waistband looks on the day after Thanksgiving, look away, friends. Lynette broke this rule early on and you see how far that got her. She’s now the “token” frumpy one.
3. Watch the weather channel sparingly. As appealing as it may look, this channel is for impending tornados or vacation weather updates ONLY. Um, never mind the fact that a tornado wiped out half of Wisteria Lane at the end of Season 4. It is still MTV for the elderly.
4. Keep up with the latest lingo and technology. Never, I mean NEVER use the words britches, sweeper or slacks in public. Instead, say things like sexy, bitches and cashmere.
5. Make no mentions of your bowels, a bad hip or the fact that you probably won’t be getting social security. Do you think Bree would be shacking up with 90210 hotties if she mentioned her gout is acting up?
6. Learn to play Poker. Canasta. Uncool. Pinochle. Uncool. Cribbage. Uncool. You see where I’m goin’ with this? Poker. Cool.
7. As soon as those babies can open the door without denting the car next to you, ditch the minivan. I know it’s roomy and smells like warm French fries but your not doing yourself any favors. Take it from me, I swapped out my Land Rover for a minivan years ago and have never been the same. *wink
I don’t know about you but if this is what desperate looks like, count me in.
The one where I ‘unsuccessfully’ shove a pill down my cat’s throat
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CommiserATE
If you are looking for the proper procedure to get a cat to swallow a pill, this is definitely not the blog for you. Run like the wind, cat people.
I share this story, not because I’ve lost my mind or run out of things to blog about, but because somewhere along the way, I’ve learned to appreciate God’s sense of humor.
This, my friends, was one of those days.
My cat’s recent … *ahem, let’s call them “G.I. problems” had resulted in a long, overdue visit to the cat doctor. After umpteen routine tests and the mention of irritable bowel syndrome, I walked out with 20 tiny pills and one hefty vet bill.
2 pills a day for 10 days.
If you have a cat, you’re most likely laughing right now. And if you have a cat, you know that they would rather jump into a swimming pool of rabid dogs than swallow a pill.
However, my husband, The Cat Whisperer, had proved this theory wrong — 3 straight days of “no-sweat,” successful pill dispensing. *eyeroll … You win the prize my dear. Unfortunately, duty called, and he was off on a business trip leaving the kids and I to do the dispensing.
Apparently …
*cue big, BIG dramatic pause
I am NOT the cat whisperer.
Attempt #1: I hold the cat’s mouth open, but miss it all together (too much coffee) … but not without giving him a big, fat clue of what is in store, causing him to leap for freedom.
Attempt #2: Kids are now holding each side of cat while I tend to the mouth. Down the hatch. Well, maybe not. Out it comes with a flick of the tongue, landing across the room.
Attempt #3: Ah-ha! The deed is done. Well, sort of. Instead of swallowing the pill, it is being chewed … Activating a tsunami of saliva.
By this time, fur is flying, the kids are screaming and the cat looks as though he’s been on a 3-day bender consuming my daughter’s 12 oz bottle of Hello Kitty bubble bath.
I somehow was able to detach the 4 sets of claws from my thigh long enough to get to “uncarpeted” territory. I’m no dummy. I knew what came next.
It was not pretty, folks. If I owned any sort of hazmat attire, this would have been an appropriate time to use it.
Needless to say, it was only 8 a.m. and we had all had our fair share of trauma for the day. If my children had any hopes and dreams of becoming a veterinarian, it had disappeared in a POOF of dismantled cat hair.
As we loaded our disheveled cat into the carrier, we had a good chuckle and gave ourselves an A for effort. We decided to look at the bright side — we live close to the vet who was more than happy to do the dirty work.
If there is any sort of lesson here, it is to appreciate the humor life throws at us. My kids learned a thing or two as I look back at that morning. (1) Don’t sweat the small stuff and… (2) Like haircuts and body waxing, sometimes it’s better to leave it to the professionals.
Tags: cats, pill dispensing, vet
Do The Humpty Hump
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CelebrATE
I love the meaning of this picture. It’s 100% true. A crazy idea isn’t necessarily a bad idea. When I first heard about it on Good Morning America last spring, I’ll admit it, I thought it was sort of crazy. I had never heard of this type of event and it took a few minutes to wrap my head around it.
A Mom Prom.
Huh.
A prom, for moms.
… with proceeds going to charity.
Ok. I like it.
I mean, who wouldn’t wear a little taffeta for a good cause?
It didn’t take long before plans were in the works and I was officially on my way to becoming the “Raleigh Mom Prom Lady.”
The outpouring of generousity from area people and businesses was overwhelming. I mean, I’m wiping tears over here thinking about it. Over $5,000 was raised for two very important organizations — both benefitting children — touching 2 families very near and dear to me.
The night?
It rocked.
I have no other way to describe it. Moms are powerful people and they make things happen. And folks, you get 90 women in a room with sleep-deprivation under their belt, it’s some cheap entertainment.
Just ask the DJ.
Now, I’m not writing this to toot my own horn or to take credit for someone else’s idea. The genius behind the Mom Prom at www.MomProm.org is Betsy Crapps, a Midwestern Mom on a mission. She has touched thousands of lives with an idea — that she simply decided to run with. And we are so glad she did.
I write this in hopes to inspire YOU (yeah, I’m lookin’ at you) to hold an event in your area. Maybe it’s on your bucket list to give to charity or a New Year’s resolution to volunteer. Well ladies, this is the Mac Daddy of volunteering.
And today, I challenge you to step up to the plate. Find an organization you are passionate about or someone who truly NEEDS your help.
Not sure where to start? I can help:
1. Get a prom committee. Trust me, you can’t do it alone. Everyone has a few friends they can sucker into helping. Really. You’re asking for party planning assistance, not a kidney.
2. Get everything donated. I mean, EVERYTHING. You would be amazed at the things you can get for free. Our DJ donated his time. A local bar donated their services. A flower shop donated the balloons. An area photographer donated their time. Area restaurants donated the food. A trophy company donated awards. One of the only things that we didn’t get donated was our prom date … Fabio. But he was worth it.
3. Choose a charity that moms relate to. Take breast cancer for example. It seems everyone has been touched by cancer in some way — and it will be much easier to get support and donations for this type of charity than maybe something like saving baby seals in Alaska.
4. The silent action is your bread and butter. With a promise to give these businesses exposure on your FB page or blog, business owners will donate. They are smart people. If you tell them their product or service will be placed in front of X number of LOCAL women, they will bite… and you’ll have some great stuff to raffle off in a silent auction.
5. PROMOTE. PROMOTE. PROMOTE. Make flyers. Contact the local paper. Call the TV station. Email Oprah. ANYTHING to get the word out.
6. Lastly, just have fun with it. Crown a Prom Queen. Award a Tackiest Dress winner. Get your prom picture with Fabio. Choose a tacky 80’s theme. The sky is the limit. It’s YOUR prom. YOUR girls night out. Get creative.
Have questions? I’m here for ya, man. I’d love to help in any way I can. Just leave me a message on the “Raleigh Mom Prom” Facebook page and I would be more than happy to help get the ball rolling.
Oh, but WAIT A MINUTE.
Listen.
I think I hear the Humpty Dance calling your name from here.
Watch out Heff, there’s a new girl in town
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under EducATE
Alright, raise your hand if you recognize this lovely lady?
By now, most of you have heard the controversial story regarding Colorado Senior, Sydney Spies, whose yearbook photo was rejected by the yearbook editors for being too revealing.
She… AND her mom (gasp!) …. lash back, calling it artistic. Freedom of speech. As an aspiring model, Spies states, “It is a representation of who I am.”
Crickets.
Now folks, I’m trying to be Switzerland here but I’ve got to pull out the ‘Mama Card’ for this one.
I see it as a classic case of a mom who wants to be B.F.F with her daughter — when really she needs to put down her foot and be a M.O.M.
Of course her daughter thinks it’s appropriate. She’s 18! When I was 18, I would have worn a Def Leppard concert tee with a pair of zebra-stripped lycra leggings and my Bon Jovi jacket in my senior picture.
Wanna know why I didn’t? Because my mama said “No way, José.”
In the end, it’s a young girl’s reputation that will take the heat — but I guess as an aspiring model, even negative media attention is media attention, right?
So all that’s left to say here is:
Congrats Sydney. You’ve just become famous for nothing.
Cast your vote here. Should the yearbook staff be allow to become the Fashion Police?
Oh, so THAT’S what that really means
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under EducATE
I’ve made many resolutions for 2012, however, giving up my Pinterest addiction is not one of them. Some describe it as “decor they will never afford, clothes they’ll never fit into, crafts they’re too lazy to make, sayings they weren’t clever enough to think of and photos they wish they had taken.”
I describe it as one enormous, breathtaking Pottery Barn catalog with a Tablespoon of Martha Stewart, a teaspoon of Vera Wang and just a dash of Ellen.
I stumble upon a lot of humor on this site (hence, the Ellen reference) and I recently found something I think you will enjoy. It’s a dictionary of sorts — but like Anne Taintor and the gals at Naughty Betty, these folks have taken it upon to themselves to tell us the real meaning of these words. I just love the hardcore, honest people of the world. Thanks to thatswhatthatmeans.tumblr.com for the clarification.
SoMo Takes NYC: What TripAdvisor won’t tell you
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under EducATE
I had always dreamed of experiencing the magic of Christmas in NYC. The fabulous store windows. The massive Rockefeller tree. The chance of being hit with a snowball from Will Farrell. What other place can give you THAT kind of Christmas spirit?
So, like the Kardashians, we left the comforts of suburbia and headed to the Big Apple. Despite 3 days and no celebrity sightings, I DID leave with many wonderful memories that my family and I will always treasure … however, I also left with something else. A whole lot of knowledge about the city itself.
Here are a few observations that TripAdvisor many not mention:
1. NYC is just like Disney. In Disney, the kids get autographs from a Princess. In NY, they get autographs from a Naked Cowboy. In Disney you see billboards promoting happy children. In NY, you see billboards promoting gay marriage. There is really no difference.
2. Here is something that may surprise you. The American Girl Store is not just a massive money pit, they also are in the transplant business. Really. Did you know that instead of getting your doll a new hairdo, you can get her a whole new HEAD? Yes, for a mere $40.
3. Never pick your nose in Rockefeller Center. Especially at Christmas. Take warning: Due to the masses, you WILL forever be in the background (and foreground) of hundreds of family photos — and the last thing you want is to have a nose-picking image floating around on Facebook.
4. Non-smokers are the minority. And, you know that “no smoking within 10 feet of a building” rule? Well, that doesn’t apply here. I’m pretty sure I smoked somewhere between 8-14 cigarettes while walking 3 blocks to FAO Swartz (2nd hand smoke, of course.)
5. If the rule “Calories Don’t Count When You Eat Standing Up” is true, NYC would be #1 on the charts of the world’s skinniest city. If you are in the furniture sales business, don’t even bother going there. They don’t sit down. Ever.
6. Trump and Starbucks are God in NYC. Everywhere you turn, you will find the little green goddess or the name “Trump” carved in granite. My guess is, the two of them are in cahoots and they have a scandalous sex tape or naked photos of some wealthy high-rise owner.
7. Go with the flow … of traffic, that is. I learned quickly that there is actually a “system” to the madness. A little like following a car with a radar detector, find a local businessman and stay on his heels when crossing all intersections.
8. I had to laugh when I read the marketing tagline for Central Park:“Your Green, Makes our Green, Greener“… I get it, they need money. However, from the amount of fertilization I witnessed between the massive amount of dog walkers and horse poo, I think they’ve got it covered.
9. You know how they call it the city that doesn’t sleep? Well, neither do you. Here’s a tip: Bring some high-tech earplugs.
Tags: Central Park, Christmas in NYC, family vacation, new york city, NYC, Trump
SoMo’s Crystal Ball Predictions for 2012
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Bless Their Hollywood Hearts!
As always, the glitzy world of high-profile celebrities have unfolded a year full of shocking headlines. Startling splits, tragic deaths, controversial weddings, public meltdowns.
Now, my friends, it does not take a genius to predict that another year of surprises are in the cards. So please, pull up a chair, and lookie here into my crystal ball as I roll out my most shocking headline-stealer predictions for 2012.
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1. “Blanket” will make the top 10 most popular baby names, right behind the names “Facebook” and “Bear Blu”.
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2. A piece of Joan Rivers’ face will actually fall off and sell for millions on ebay — breaking MJ’s ‘hair in the shower drain’ sales.
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3. Demi will find a new beau that doesn’t mind being smack dab in the middle of the family photo — next to Bruce and Ashton.
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4. Jen Aniston will FINALLY get married to what’s-his-name … and go on record to tell the world to “shut the hell up” about her love life.
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5. Trump will run for president making the comb-over the most popular halloween costume wig for 2012.
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6. Angelina Jolie discovers a 3rd world country that she forgot to adopt from…and will adopt a girl that will actually wear girl clothes. See Shiloh here.
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7. Lindsay Lohan will go to rehab … and then go to jail. (Shocker. I really went out on a limb on that one, people.)
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8. DWTS announces the 2012 cast consisting of Charlie Sheen — who makes a desperate attempt to redeem his charred reputation while spouting-off nonsense about “winning” the mirror ball .
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9. Brittney puts the irony of her hit “Oops! I Did It Again” to rest by actually marrying someone decent.
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10. Mark Anthony goes to jail for assaulting one of J LO’s 18-year-old dancer boyfriends. Didn’t see that one comin’, did ya?
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11. Lady Gaga is hospitalized from falling off of her own 1-story high-heels at the 2012 AMA’s.
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12. Oprah’s alleged boyfriend Stedman breaks the silence w/a best selling book called: I Will No Longer Compete with Gayle King.
Have some predictions of your own? Please, DO SHARE … and have a Happy New Year!!
Would you rather…?
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
Once again, we couldn’t resist a friendly game of “Would you Rather…” to kick off the holiday weekend. Last year we slugged a glass of Jones soda in Holiday Green Bean Casserole flavor — this year we are riding in a sleigh full of toys with the cast of Modern Family. Pick your favorites and let’s see some votes!
To visit last year’s “Would you rather” game, click here.
Have a blessed Christmas to you all!
Daddy’s letter to Santa
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
Dear Santa,
How’s it going at The North Pole? Participated in any flash mobs this year? Based on the increased number of Christmas specials on TBS, I’d have to think you have royalty checks overflowing your workshop. Hope the reindeer don’t eat them.
Anywho, it’s my pleasure to write you today and ask that you do, in fact, place my daughters on the Nice List. It’s been an emotional year, one that’s seen some loved ones bow out and new loved ones bow in. But all in all, save a few incidents of hair-pulling and not abiding by the rules of seat-check, our girls have been great. I’d like to tell you about it in this Christmas Letter of Recommendation.
Our eldest, Ella, is in her second year of preschool (which she loves). She comes home most days sharing what she’s learned with us, like sign language, silly songs and jokes that, we’re pretty sure, she’s just making up. They make us laugh anyway. She worked really hard to write all her birthday thank-you cards by herself and can now do basic math, just like her old (yet incredibly handsome) dad.
My middle daughter, Anna, had a monumental year this year, becoming potty trained right around her second birthday. She was so happy. So were we. So were the blue M&Ms who had been living in fear during the potty training process and had been eaten at such an alarming rate that they started to hide—in our couch cushions, under the refrigerator, in plants, in pockets, up noses—anywhere they could to save their lives. She also learned how to spell her own name. Her Mom and I can no longer pass secrets notes about her anymore. Though, usually, those notes were about how much we love her, so we’ll probably still pass them.
My newest daughter, Mia, is still just a babe at 6 months, but she is a smiley one. Her recent accomplishments include eating solids (that are anything but solid), sitting up on her own, and shaking her rattle so hard it slips out and sails at least 8 feet. Sounds like someone wants matching father-daughter softball gear for Christmas. That someone is me. She’d probably be fine with a hoverboard.
And, while my wife didn’t ask for it, I’m going to put in a good word for her too. She’s dealt with a lot of adversity this year and somehow, someway still finds time to wear those god-awful thermal PJs that I hate so much. I hope you take care of her by putting big smiles on our kids’ faces—I know that’s the gift she wants most of all.
As for me, I don’t need anything. Just a loving family who gives me hugs when I need them will do. And for that, I will continue to be awesome.
I hope all is well and Mrs. Claus gets you that new Star Wars Blu-Ray set you’ve been wanting. If not, let me know. I’ll get it for you so long as you take those thermal PJs back with you to the North Pole.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
Brian A. Klems
Founder, CEO and Janitor of Team Klems
Brian A. Klems is a writer, editor and dad to three lovely little ladies. You can read more of his fatherly musings at TheLifeOfDad.com and connect with him on Twitter @BrianKlems.
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We always enjoy hearing the perspective of our favorite Daddy blogger. Merry Christmas to Brian and all the Daddy bloggers!
The Season of Innocence
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
If I had to show you innocence, I would show you smocking on a dress. A cup of milk. Frost on a jack-o-lantern. A dandelion in a plastic cup. Sidewalk art made with chalk. The way a baby’s lips move while he sleeps. A toddler hanging an ornament on a Christmas tree.
I think of innocence as a gift given to the new, the young. It’s a gift all three of my children are clinging to right know, though they don’t know it. And I know the knowledge that life holds bigger travesties than time-out and hunger for milk is coming.
I was not yet 5, catching lightning bugs with neighborhood friends, when the world became a bigger—and meaner—place to me. Up until that day I considered fireflies magical insects, fairness to be a given, and humans as beings who at least tried to be good. And then I watched as a little boy caught a lightning bug, ripped it apart and wiped the firefly’s softly glowing abdomen across his cheek, like primitive war paint. He laughed about it. No one scolded him. The lightning bug died, not in a Mason jar filled with grass but by the hands of someone who could have—and should have—simply cradled it and then let it fly away.
I was horrified.
Daily I’m amazed at what Sophie knows and yet, grateful for what she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know war. Illness, to her, is on the level of a skinned knee—not, say, cancer. She knows of death, in that two of her favorite dogs—Molly and Droopy—are no longer with us—but she doesn’t really know death, the absolute makes-you-want-to-cry permanence of it. She doesn’t know poverty. She gets upset when we’re out of milk—she has no idea the lengths many human beings go just to get clean water. She loves going places—she has no idea our car could crash. I believe she truly believes all people love her, respect her, are out for her best interest and that the worst people can do is not share their toys or scold or demand baths.
As a mother who holds innocence dear, and is OK with a white lie for the young, I love this season. I love telling my children that a plump, jolly, old Santa dressed in red and tarnished with soot is going to drive a reindeer-driven sleigh to our house on Christmas Eve, land on our roof, come down our chimney, fill our stockings, put presents under our tree, go back up our chimney, and then visit millions of other children’s houses—all in a single night. I love that they believe this.
I know life will slowly chip away at my children’s innocence. Or, something terrible may happen and their innocence may be gone in an instance. I don’t know how it will happen, I don’t know the horrors—and beauty—they’ll witness. And as much as I love their innocence I know it would be a disservice to never reveal life’s truths, both good and bad. They need to know them to grow. They need to know them in order to (I hope) become people who can change them, for the better.
Still, for now, I relish soft, white onesies. Well-worn picture books. Dolls that have been put down for naps. Angel imprints in backyard snow. Squeals of laughter. Hands that smell like clementines. And a plate filled with cookies and carrots, and a glass of milk, left by the fireplace on Christmas Eve.
Kara Gebhart Uhl is a freelance writer and editor living in Fort Thomas. She blogs regularly about her 3-1/2-year-old daughter and 19-month-old twin boys at pleiadesbee.com.
A special thank you to Kara for allowing us to run this brilliant (and most inspirational) post!
