For Sale: Hannah Montana Concert Tickets. Cheap.

First of all, I want to thank Miley Cyrus for pulling me out of the depths of never-neverland. *sigh. It’s been almost a year since my last post, however,  after watching last night’s VMA performance, I felt compelled to return to my “happy place” to churn up a little conversation & share my initial reaction — alongside every disgusted mother in America.

Please friends, join me as I pull my jaw off the floor long enough to share my Top 10 comments, Letterman style.

1. “Just when you thought the movie ‘Ted‘ was the only inappropriate use of a teddy bear…”

2. “All Hannah Montana microphones and Foam Fingers ARE FOREVER BANNED from this house!”

3. “Why do I feel like the entire front row of the VMA’s might need an immunization?”

4. “For some reason the Janet & JT wardrobe-malfunction feels a whole lot less uncomfortable…”

5. “No doubt, Robin Thicke is sleeping in the spare room tonight.”

6. “An extra dose of Botox is on the agenda to eliminate last night’s perma-cringe.”

7. “Is it just me, or do you think Britney is silently celebrating somewhere in the shadows?”

8. “Miley, leave the crotch grabs to Michael & the tongue lashes to Gene Simmons.”

9. “Yes Billy Rae, we DO partially blame you AND your (now) achy breaky heart.”

10. “Let’s hope Liam Hemsworth’s mother was at Bridge club last night.”

… and for those of you who may have missed VMA’s musical porn, THIS is where the brouhaha started …

Too racy?

You decide.

Watch it HERE.

 

6 reasons why contractors are like toddlers

Just when you think I am gone forever, Voilà, I pop out of nowhere.

Just think of me as the Backstreet Boys.

I’ll start by confessing that my absence has much to do with a large home construction project over the past few months. With the house in constant disarray, it has been a revolving door of plumbers, drywallers and inspectors … leaving little blog-concentration-time.

However, as I observed the process, I couldn’t help but notice some common personality traits of a typical contractor, resembled those of the little people that live in my home.

Now, before some of you start writing your local senators asking them to dis ban my blog, know that I mean no disrespect to anyone in this business. I’ve actually had some lovely contractors (*fist pump Tile peeps) and these are merely {absurd, but true} observations in hopes to share a tip or two:

1. There are lots of boo-boos.

As important as the first aid kit is to your baby gift registry, it also should be included with the building permit. With no shortage of the pinched fingers and scraped knees of a toddler, nail gun and table saw mishaps reeked havoc during the entire building process. Advice? Keep Phineas and Ferb Band-Aids handy at all times.

2. They occasionally engage in potty talk and TMI.

Similar to a young one telling the preschool teacher about your empty chardonnay bottle collection, the conversation with my contractors sometimes “went there” as well. “Thank you, Jeb. I do not need to know that you are only going “#1” in my bathroom … or that you will be heading to jail next week.”

3. You sometimes beg your husband not to leave you alone with them.

Some children are scary. Some contractors are scary. (See second example above.)

4. You have to remind them to pull up their pants.

No doubt, belts are not a uniform priority in either category … Although I do occasionally think it’s cute to get a glimpse of a toddler backside — not so much with the plumber.

5. Sometimes you need a translator.

Communication is never easy in either instance. Two most helpful solutions? Invest in Rosetta Stone and a really good game of Charades.

6. They forget to use their inside voices.

It never ceased to amaze me the decibel capacity of the human voice. “Hey, Buddy. When I said to ‘bring it down a notch’, I wasn’t talking about the door frame.”

7. Sometimes they disappear.

Now you see them, now you don’t. Like a child that LOVES to vanish into Old Navy clothing racks, some contractors ALSO participate in a game of hide-and-seek. Now, while I have absolutely zero tips to prevent this from happening, I will tell you that regarding the contractor, the death grip, time-outs and strapping them back in the stroller is not a solution.

So there you have it. Helpful tips before construction. No offense taken, right? *wink

Stay tuned for my next post regarding Christina Aguilera’s boobs…

I SPY with my little eye … um, Elvis?

Tis the season for the family roadtrip. We’ve all been there. Five hours of ‘are we there yet?’ with no end in sight. Well, after some careful thought and consideration (and a lot of games of hangman) I’ve come to the rescue with a ‘new & improved’ roadtrip version of I SPY.

Now keep in mind … just when you think this game is a bunch of hogwash, know that I have actually seen ALL of these items below … well, *ahem* … possibly all but #5.

Alright, let’s start with an easy one.

Number 1.

Get 1 point for spotting a house still adorned with icicle Christmas lights.

Yeah, yeah. Easy breezy. You’re thinking you are going to ace this game.

Add 5 points if you see baby Jesus in the manger.

 

Number 2.

Get 1 point for finding a random tennis shoe in the middle of a turn lane.

You know, I see these all the time and I’ve never understood this.

I can only imagine what is going on in the car for that to happen.

 

Number 3.

Get 1 point for spotting a driver doing the ULTIMATE no-no while driving.

Yep, nose picking. (You thought I was going to say texting didn’t you?)

Well, that’s an ultimate no-no too, but you only get points for nose pickers.

 

Number 4.

Get 10 points if you spot a full-suited clown or an Elvis impersonator.

Ten points people!!!

I’VE SEEN THIS and let me tell you, you don’t have to be in Vegas to spot one.

 

Number 5.

Get 7 points for “unusual” roadkill.

By “unusual”, I mean absolutely NO deer, cats, squirrels, possums or raccoons.

I’m thinking something along the lines of escaped zoo animals …

… basically anything from the Madagascar movie.

 

Number 6.

Get 2 points if you spot a “Honk if you love garage sales” bumper sticker.

Give yourself 1 extra point if you actually honk.

 

Number 7.

Get 4 points for spotting a flower bed made from a REAL wrought-iron bed.

Don’t ask me where in the world I go on vacation.

Trust me, these ultimate recyclers are out there.

 

Number 8.

Get 5 points for spotting road names with the cast of The Hangover.

What? You think there is no such thing?

Well, quite possibly you could be driving on Stu Lane in Kinston, NC …

or Allen Road in Tallahassee, FL.

Get 20 points if you find anything resembling ‘Galifianakis’ on a street sign.

Number 9.

Get 5 points each time you pass a Golden Corral billboard advertising their

delicious Cotton Candy.

*cringe

Deduct 10 points if you actually stop and eat at one.

 

There you have it. The ultimate travel game. No, no. No need for thanks.

This is just how we roll. Happy roadtripping!

Fifty Shades of Silence

Psssst. Did you just hear that?

THAT. That-right-there.

Listen, reeeeaaal closely.

*cue long exaggerated, Seacrest-type pause

Yep, you heard it.

… the sound of {sweet} silence …

Isn’t it wonderful?

And, how on earth, do you ask, does a mom acquire a silent household in the middle of the doggone summer?

Well, up here in these neck of the woods, we have a thaaang we like to call year-round schools.

*Gasp.

Yes siree. While many moms in America are robotically slapping together their 145th PB&J and distributing empty threats to quarreling siblings, there are a select few of us who are plopped on the sofa, eating bon-bons alongside Elisabeth Hasselbeck and The View (you can sense the bon-bon sarcasm, right?)

Yes, it’s truly a bitter-sweet system, my friends. Although, I do treasure those carefree weeks with my babies — enjoying sun, sand and afternoons filled with laughter — the words ‘Are we there yet?’, ‘I’m bored’ and ‘She pinched me’, can eliminate the joy faster than you can say “that Tanning Mom is a nut job.”

So today, I’d like to raise a coffee cup to my year round possé who is, once again, adjusting to a quiet household.

A toast … to uninterrupted phone conversations; to showering without the risk of mentally scarring wandering neighborhood kids; to eating lunch — free of spilled milk, bodily noises and dinosaur chicken nuggets. May your days be filled with the peace and guilty pleasure that can only come from a Starbucks vanilla latte and unlimited downtime with Christian Grey.

Cheers!

Mysteries of missing socks & armpit farts

It’s officially over.

The end of an era.

Another chapter closed.

I said goodbye like I had done so many times before. Tucking the name “Gregory House” away with the others before him … Jack Bauer… Dawson… Chandler Bing…

Felicity.

In last Tuesday’s series finale, the producer explained that it was the puzzles — the “mysteries” that kept HOUSE’s followers on the edge of their seats for 8 years.

Now the term “mystery” got me thinking.

There are also many mysteries in the world of motherhood.

They may not be as complicated as solving a case of Sarcoidosis — but they are still unanswered questions. Questions I have wondered about for years but have never been able to really answer.

So for this post, I’ve decided to pick up where the writers left off and came up with an entire season of episodes of my own.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 1: The unexplained aromas

This episode takes place only in the minivan. Cameras will pan in and out, focusing on the goldfish, shriveled up french fries & soiled baseball sock peering out from beneath the seat. After trying several household cleaners and cute hangy air fresheners, HOUSE would conclude that with children, the damage has already been done. He will then recommend a carpet cleaner in french-fry-scent.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 2: Those Meddling Kids

This episode would break down the characters of the Scooby Doo Gang we’ve all wondered about at one time or another. It will include a full psych eval of each character and why they never change their clothes — and in the end, HOUSE would prove that Shaggy & Scooby are always hungry because they, do indeed, smoke wacky-tobacky in the back of the mystery machine.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 3. Do socks mate for life?

This is the most anticipated episode of the season and will break records, watched by millions of moms in America. It will be filmed documentary-style as “the life as a pair of socks,” following them for months — from the drawer, to the feet, to the floor, to the laundry room — until one of them mysteriously disappears and is never heard from again. This may be the only mystery that HOUSE cannot solve (which will make moms throw their socks at the tv).

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 4: The Mike & Mike Mystery

This episode would consist only of our husbands while they are in the zone … the ESPN zone. HOUSE would careful analyze each one of them as they watch various Sports Center-related programs — and in the end, he would prove that ESPN has secret subliminal messaging that hypnotizes our husbands into forbidding us to use the remote.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 5: Boys will be boys

This episode’s main focus is on the children with a segment on sibling rivalry. They will focus on the obsession of armpit farts & potty talk at the dinner table and in the end, HOUSE will conclude that no matter how much we try, 10 year old boys will NEVER stop thinking it’s funny to shove their baseball cup in their sister’s face.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 6: The Elf on The Shelf (Season Finale)

This episode takes place in my living room on Christmas Eve. It will consist of the kids begging to open a present early as I continually say no while partaking in (many) adult beverages. In the end of the show, it will be a cliffhanger on whether or not the Elf on the Shelf REALLY winked at me or if I just had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.

There you go, House … have at it.





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