Mysteries of missing socks & armpit farts

It’s officially over.

The end of an era.

Another chapter closed.

I said goodbye like I had done so many times before. Tucking the name “Gregory House” away with the others before him … Jack Bauer… Dawson… Chandler Bing…

Felicity.

In last Tuesday’s series finale, the producer explained that it was the puzzles — the “mysteries” that kept HOUSE’s followers on the edge of their seats for 8 years.

Now the term “mystery” got me thinking.

There are also many mysteries in the world of motherhood.

They may not be as complicated as solving a case of Sarcoidosis — but they are still unanswered questions. Questions I have wondered about for years but have never been able to really answer.

So for this post, I’ve decided to pick up where the writers left off and came up with an entire season of episodes of my own.

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Episode 1: The unexplained aromas

This episode takes place only in the minivan. Cameras will pan in and out, focusing on the goldfish, shriveled up french fries & soiled baseball sock peering out from beneath the seat. After trying several household cleaners and cute hangy air fresheners, HOUSE would conclude that with children, the damage has already been done. He will then recommend a carpet cleaner in french-fry-scent.

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Episode 2: Those Meddling Kids

This episode would break down the characters of the Scooby Doo Gang we’ve all wondered about at one time or another. It will include a full psych eval of each character and why they never change their clothes — and in the end, HOUSE would prove that Shaggy & Scooby are always hungry because they, do indeed, smoke wacky-tobacky in the back of the mystery machine.

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Episode 3. Do socks mate for life?

This is the most anticipated episode of the season and will break records, watched by millions of moms in America. It will be filmed documentary-style as “the life as a pair of socks,” following them for months — from the drawer, to the feet, to the floor, to the laundry room — until one of them mysteriously disappears and is never heard from again. This may be the only mystery that HOUSE cannot solve (which will make moms throw their socks at the tv).

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Episode 4: The Mike & Mike Mystery

This episode would consist only of our husbands while they are in the zone … the ESPN zone. HOUSE would careful analyze each one of them as they watch various Sports Center-related programs — and in the end, he would prove that ESPN has secret subliminal messaging that hypnotizes our husbands into forbidding us to use the remote.

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Episode 5: Boys will be boys

This episode’s main focus is on the children with a segment on sibling rivalry. They will focus on the obsession of armpit farts & potty talk at the dinner table and in the end, HOUSE will conclude that no matter how much we try, 10 year old boys will NEVER stop thinking it’s funny to shove their baseball cup in their sister’s face.

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Episode 6: The Elf on The Shelf (Season Finale)

This episode takes place in my living room on Christmas Eve. It will consist of the kids begging to open a present early as I continually say no while partaking in (many) adult beverages. In the end of the show, it will be a cliffhanger on whether or not the Elf on the Shelf REALLY winked at me or if I just had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.

There you go, House … have at it.

One Response to “Mysteries of missing socks & armpit farts”

  1. Sue Says:
    June 11th, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Did you SERIOUSLY just write Elf on a Shelf into the next season?

    *sigh*

    Girl, you’re lucky that my love is unconditional.

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