Just think of me as the Backstreet Boys.

I’ll start by confessing that my absence has much to do with a large home construction project over the past few months. With the house in constant disarray, it has been a revolving door of plumbers, drywallers and inspectors … leaving little blog-concentration-time.

However, as I observed the process, I couldn’t help but notice some common personality traits of a typical contractor, resembled those of the little people that live in my home.

Now, before some of you start writing your local senators asking them to dis ban my blog, know that I mean no disrespect to anyone in this business. I’ve actually had some lovely contractors (*fist pump Tile peeps) and these are merely {absurd, but true} observations in hopes to share a tip or two:

1. There are lots of boo-boos.

As important as the first aid kit is to your baby gift registry, it also should be included with the building permit. With no shortage of the pinched fingers and scraped knees of a toddler, nail gun and table saw mishaps reeked havoc during the entire building process. Advice? Keep Phineas and Ferb Band-Aids handy at all times.

2. They occasionally engage in potty talk and TMI.

Similar to a young one telling the preschool teacher about your empty chardonnay bottle collection, the conversation with my contractors sometimes “went there” as well. “Thank you, Jeb. I do not need to know that you are only going “#1” in my bathroom … or that you will be heading to jail next week.”

3. You sometimes beg your husband not to leave you alone with them.

Some children are scary. Some contractors are scary. (See second example above.)

4. You have to remind them to pull up their pants.

No doubt, belts are not a uniform priority in either category … Although I do occasionally think it’s cute to get a glimpse of a toddler backside — not so much with the plumber.

5. Sometimes you need a translator.

Communication is never easy in either instance. Two most helpful solutions? Invest in Rosetta Stone and a really good game of Charades.

6. They forget to use their inside voices.

It never ceased to amaze me the decibel capacity of the human voice. “Hey, Buddy. When I said to ‘bring it down a notch’, I wasn’t talking about the door frame.”

7. Sometimes they disappear.

Now you see them, now you don’t. Like a child that LOVES to vanish into Old Navy clothing racks, some contractors ALSO participate in a game of hide-and-seek. Now, while I have absolutely zero tips to prevent this from happening, I will tell you that regarding the contractor, the death grip, time-outs and strapping them back in the stroller is not a solution.

So there you have it. Helpful tips before construction. No offense taken, right? *wink

Stay tuned for my next post regarding Christina Aguilera’s boobs…

Tis the season for the family roadtrip. We’ve all been there. Five hours of ‘are we there yet?’ with no end in sight. Well, after some careful thought and consideration (and a lot of games of hangman) I’ve come to the rescue with a ‘new & improved’ roadtrip version of I SPY.

Now keep in mind … just when you think this game is a bunch of hogwash, know that I have actually seen ALL of these items below … well, *ahem* … possibly all but #5.

Alright, let’s start with an easy one.

Number 1.

Get 1 point for spotting a house still adorned with icicle Christmas lights.

Yeah, yeah. Easy breezy. You’re thinking you are going to ace this game.

Add 5 points if you see baby Jesus in the manger.

Number 2.

Get 1 point for finding a random tennis shoe in the middle of a turn lane.

You know, I see these all the time and I’ve never understood this.

I can only imagine what is going on in the car for that to happen.

Number 3.

Get 1 point for spotting a driver doing the ULTIMATE no-no while driving.

Yep, nose picking. (You thought I was going to say texting didn’t you?)

Well, that’s an ultimate no-no too, but you only get points for nose pickers.

Number 4.

Get 10 points if you spot a full-suited clown or an Elvis impersonator.

Ten points people!!!

I’VE SEEN THIS and let me tell you, you don’t have to be in Vegas to spot one.

Number 5.

Get 7 points for “unusual” roadkill.

By “unusual”, I mean absolutely NO deer, cats, squirrels, possums or raccoons.

I’m thinking something along the lines of escaped zoo animals …

… basically anything from the Madagascar movie.

Number 6.

Get 2 points if you spot a “Honk if you love garage sales” bumper sticker.

Give yourself 1 extra point if you actually honk.

Number 7.

Get 4 points for spotting a flower bed made from a REAL wrought-iron bed.

Don’t ask me where in the world I go on vacation.

Trust me, these ultimate recyclers are out there.

Number 8.

Get 5 points for spotting road names with the cast of The Hangover.

What? You think there is no such thing?

Well, quite possibly you could be driving on Stu Lane in Kinston, NC …

or Allen Road in Tallahassee, FL.

Get 20 points if you find anything resembling ‘Galifianakis’ on a street sign.

Number 9.

Get 5 points each time you pass a Golden Corral billboard advertising their

delicious Cotton Candy.

*cringe

Deduct 10 points if you actually stop and eat at one.

There you have it. The ultimate travel game. No, no. No need for thanks.

This is just how we roll. Happy roadtripping!

Psssst. Did you just hear that?

THAT. That-right-there.

Listen, reeeeaaal closely.

*cue long exaggerated, Seacrest-type pause

Yep, you heard it.

… the sound of {sweet} silence …

Isn’t it wonderful?

And, how on earth, do you ask, does a mom acquire a silent household in the middle of the doggone summer?

Well, up here in these neck of the woods, we have a thaaang we like to call year-round schools.

*Gasp.

Yes siree. While many moms in America are robotically slapping together their 145th PB&J and distributing empty threats to quarreling siblings, there are a select few of us who are plopped on the sofa, eating bon-bons alongside Elisabeth Hasselbeck and The View (you can sense the bon-bon sarcasm, right?)

Yes, it’s truly a bitter-sweet system, my friends. Although, I do treasure those carefree weeks with my babies — enjoying sun, sand and afternoons filled with laughter — the words ‘Are we there yet?’, ‘I’m bored’ and ‘She pinched me’, can eliminate the joy faster than you can say “that Tanning Mom is a nut job.”

So today, I’d like to raise a coffee cup to my year round possé who is, once again, adjusting to a quiet household.

A toast … to uninterrupted phone conversations; to showering without the risk of mentally scarring wandering neighborhood kids; to eating lunch — free of spilled milk, bodily noises and dinosaur chicken nuggets. May your days be filled with the peace and guilty pleasure that can only come from a Starbucks vanilla latte and unlimited downtime with Christian Grey.

Cheers!

It’s officially over.

The end of an era.

Another chapter closed.

I said goodbye like I had done so many times before. Tucking the name “Gregory House” away with the others before him … Jack Bauer… Dawson… Chandler Bing…

Felicity.

In last Tuesday’s series finale, the producer explained that it was the puzzles — the “mysteries” that kept HOUSE’s followers on the edge of their seats for 8 years.

Now the term “mystery” got me thinking.

There are also many mysteries in the world of motherhood.

They may not be as complicated as solving a case of Sarcoidosis — but they are still unanswered questions. Questions I have wondered about for years but have never been able to really answer.

So for this post, I’ve decided to pick up where the writers left off and came up with an entire season of episodes of my own.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 1: The unexplained aromas

This episode takes place only in the minivan. Cameras will pan in and out, focusing on the goldfish, shriveled up french fries & soiled baseball sock peering out from beneath the seat. After trying several household cleaners and cute hangy air fresheners, HOUSE would conclude that with children, the damage has already been done. He will then recommend a carpet cleaner in french-fry-scent.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 2: Those Meddling Kids

This episode would break down the characters of the Scooby Doo Gang we’ve all wondered about at one time or another. It will include a full psych eval of each character and why they never change their clothes — and in the end, HOUSE would prove that Shaggy & Scooby are always hungry because they, do indeed, smoke wacky-tobacky in the back of the mystery machine.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 3. Do socks mate for life?

This is the most anticipated episode of the season and will break records, watched by millions of moms in America. It will be filmed documentary-style as “the life as a pair of socks,” following them for months — from the drawer, to the feet, to the floor, to the laundry room — until one of them mysteriously disappears and is never heard from again. This may be the only mystery that HOUSE cannot solve (which will make moms throw their socks at the tv).

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 4: The Mike & Mike Mystery

This episode would consist only of our husbands while they are in the zone … the ESPN zone. HOUSE would careful analyze each one of them as they watch various Sports Center-related programs — and in the end, he would prove that ESPN has secret subliminal messaging that hypnotizes our husbands into forbidding us to use the remote.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 5: Boys will be boys

This episode’s main focus is on the children with a segment on sibling rivalry. They will focus on the obsession of armpit farts & potty talk at the dinner table and in the end, HOUSE will conclude that no matter how much we try, 10 year old boys will NEVER stop thinking it’s funny to shove their baseball cup in their sister’s face.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Episode 6: The Elf on The Shelf (Season Finale)

This episode takes place in my living room on Christmas Eve. It will consist of the kids begging to open a present early as I continually say no while partaking in (many) adult beverages. In the end of the show, it will be a cliffhanger on whether or not the Elf on the Shelf REALLY winked at me or if I just had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.

There you go, House … have at it.

Yeah, I’m talking to you Phillip Phillips.

For those of you who wrote off American Idol when it parted ways with Simon Cowell, you missed the incredible talents of Phillip Phillips, this year’s acoustic strummer and Idol winner in the ‘Matchbox Twenty/Dave Matthews’ mold. As a former pawn shop worker, he stole America’s hearts months ago with his acoustic rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” during Season 11 auditions.

But was it really the Southern, good ‘ol boy who stole the show? Or was it the good, bad & BIZARRE moments of last night’s finale that has everyone talking Idol around the watercooler?

1. The Battle of the Catsuits.

People. It was bad. Really, really bad. Fantasia & Chaka Khan broke every rule in the fashion handbook while strutting onstage in snug (and I’m being nice here), sequined bodysuits that would have fit my 40 lb. 7-year-old. All I have to say is: Where is Tommy Hillfiger when we needed him?

2. Steven Tyler’s and his sloth.

Alright, what’s not to love here? A wild man with a big heart and every bad habit you can pick up in forty years of being on the road. During his clip, he carries a sloth as he pokes fun of himself stating “his therapist tells him he needs to take it slow.” He may not be the biggest asset to Idol contestants but his erratic, spontaneous gentle spirit keeps the show alive in my book.

3. Jennifer Holiday’s Facial Expressions.

Ok, I get it. It’s all about the soul. And I’m not saying it wasn’t an amazing performance … maybe even the best of the evening. However, I just couldn’t help but think that there will SOOOO be a spoof on an upcoming Saturday Night Live episode. Click HERE to watch the performance.

4. Yo Dawg, You can Sing The Phone Book.

Referring to Randy Jackson’s repeated compliment “You can sing the phone book!” — to Idol contestants over the past 11 years — this year’s top 10 actually SANG the phone book. THIS, folks … was finale-worthy … and probably the best part of the evening. Click HERE to watch.

5. The Proposal.

The proposal between former contestants Diana Degarmo and Ace Young was quite an awkward surprise. I have to say, I’m usually a sucker for the hopeless romantic stuff  — but this proposal seemed odd and uncomfortable — and probably had more dramatic pauses than Seacrest during a results show.

6. Walk This Way.

So, again, back to Steven Tyler…. (see how I do that?) As a loyal Aerosmith fan, I will not make any comments about last night’s on stage performance, however, I did have a good laugh when my son said “Hey, this song was on the Smurfs!”

So I guess what I’m getting at is, congrats to you Phillip Phillips!

I’ve said it before. Moms are powerful beings. From the mama bear instincts, to the superhero powers (we DO have them you know), we’ve got the drive and determination to achieve the impossible.

So with all of the Hunger Games hype and talk of the heroin we know as Katniss Everdeen, I can’t help but to think that if they would have thrown a Mom in the bunch, she would be SURE to have walked away the winner.

Let me break it down for you:

1. While a mom may not have been the sharp shooter of Katniss Everdeen (merely because of her lack of free time to train), moms have had years of practice perfecting the “deathgrip” in the Target toy isle. This skill alone would take down any opponent within an arm’s reach.

2. As you may recall, many of the tributes lost their lives due to surprise attacks. Thankfully as moms, our eyes in the back of our heads would have spotted any intruder from a mile away. Not to mention, our evil eye can shatter any invisible forcefield.

3. Along with having the poison control number permanently engraved in our brains, we have a sixth sense when it comes to spotting danger. There would be no way in hell we would ever go down due to eating a poisonous berry.

4. As moms, we are trained to deal with the weather elements of every season. From the bleachers, we endure windstorms, torrential downpours and scorching heat … all while taking pictures and dispensing sliced oranges and water bottles. While it may decelerate some of the other opponents, this would have zero effect on our performance in the arena.

5. After years of rescuing our children from tree branches and McDonald’s jungle gyms we’ve become extremely agile at morphing our bodies into positions only a seasoned yoga instructor could tolerate. This is a skill that would most definitely impress the Gamemakers.

6. The key to survival for any mom is Starbucks (and possibly an occasional glass of chardonnay). If our strategy involved Haymitch convincing the sponsors to skip the meds and focus more on “parachuting beverages”, we’d be as powerful as a PTA mom at kindergarten registration.

7. It’s no secret that moms have impeccable reflexes from years of catching projectile vomit, however we may not realize that we also have excellent sparring skills. Think about it. The sword motion mirrors our Visa swipe … and heck, that can take down our husband with a single stroke.

8. Lastly, our biggest advantage as an opponent is our lack of fear. After undergoing childbirth, mastering potty-training and the raising teenagers, mutant dogs and annoying birds seem as frightening as a purring kitten.

Well, apparently I’m here.

Now, I’ve just started venturing into the world of “vlogging” (a.k.a. video blogging) and you’ll see that when it comes to the camera, I’m no Ryan Seacreast. You’ll notice a collaboration of uncomfortable pauses, nervous hand-ringing and a few too-close-for-comfort moments where I turn on/off the camera — but after only a mere 234,553,999 out-takes, I finally  nailed it.

In this video, you will find that I’ve stepped aside and passed the torch on to Fabio. I stand in, only as a translator, as Fabio tries a new approach to convince Ellen to help support our May 5th, Mom Prom event.

Fabio, take it away …

Click here to watch another ridiculous attempt to reach Ellen Degeneres.

I’m talking style here, ladies. Red Carpet Style. The best of the best in the world of fashion.

Why talk red carpet dresses now? Long after the Oscars and the Golden Globes?

Well, due to our long-awaited pre-prom dress party at the local consignment shop, there has been a lot of “fashion talk” around these neck of the woods.

Although our red carpet is made of polyester and our paparrazi are most likely our kids, the search for the perfect Mom Prom dress is an important part of the process.

This is where we browse the aisles and ask: What does this dress say about us? How does it reflect our personality?

… OR we say “Who the hell cares what they think! This matches my banana clip perfectly!”

Regardless, I thought it would be fun to take a look at the different styles … and as an added BONUS, I’ll reveal who’s dress you’ll be “ripping off” in the world of A-listers.

…………………………………………………………………….

• Simple & Sleek • 

Less is definitely more. You’re a no frills kind of gal, but what’s there is top-notch.

 …………………………………………………………………….

• Little Black Beauty •

You have the ability to adapt just about anywhere. Family friendly, with a wild side behind the door.

…………………………………………………………………….

• High-End Stunner •

You require the best. Sticker shock is only for the weak.

…………………………………………………………………….

• Vintage Intriguer •

You know that a classic look never dies. They only get better with time.

…………………………………………………………………….

• Modern Runway •

You are current and on the edge. You belong to the city … somewhere alongside Carri Bradshaw & the girls.

…………………………………………………………………….

• Risky Business Rebel •

Your look may be modern, but secretly it states: business in the front, party in the back.

…………………………………………………………………….

• Once Upon a Time •

Whether it be Cinderella or Cindy Lauper, you’re the talk the party; never afraid to stand out.

I’m no spring chicken.

And on most days, I’m ok with that. But nothing carves out that reality more, than being surrounded by a beach full of spring breakers.

After recently returning from the Sunshine State with the family in tow, I realized that Spring Break takes on a whole new meaning with kids … and I’m not sure “break” is the correct terminology.

I’d like to revisit my younger years for a moment and share with you a little THEN vs. NOW … Spring Break style.

The Roadtrip

THEN: Suitcase consisting of 5 cute bikinis. Dad’s Chrysler LaBaron. Guns & Roses and Poison soundtracks. A cooler of Busch Light.

NOW: Minivan bursting with Pillow Pets and Polly Pockets. A cooler of Capri Sun. Justin Bieber and Big Time Rush CD. A bottle of Cupcake chardonnay (hidden under front seat).

Things to Worry About

THEN: Unsuccessful fake ID. Tan lines.

NOW: Pedifiles. Rotovirus. Inexperienced lifeguards. Sharp shells on beach. Bedbugs. Bad language from spring breakers.

The Pool

THEN: Read. Nap. Read. Nap. Flirt with cute lifeguard. Take a dip. Read. Nap.

NOW: Open to People magazine crossword page and quickly answer 1 and 3 across. Wipe off puddle of water that was just dripped on People magazine by hungry offspring. Distribute snacks. Take child to potty. Play referee between arguing siblings. Distribute 2 time outs. Revisit crossword and answer 5,7 and 9 down (on a roll). Pick up sobbing child from pavement. Find Bandaid. Wipe tears… you get the idea.

The Beach Bag Contents

THEN: Raybans. Cute beach towel. Hawaiian Tropic SPF 2. Tin foil.

NOW: $5 Target sunglasses with peeling plastic. SPF 100+. SPF 180+. Beach umbrella. Portable potty. 1,237,746,553 beach toys. Goldfish (crushed at bottom of bag). Unread soggy, People magazine.

The Nightlife

THEN: Get a buyer. Find the club that might land you on MTV’s Dance Party. Pray that you don’t get an open intox.

NOW: Get a shower. Find the restaurant with no wait time. Pray you aren’t in the room next to spring breakers.

Sound familiar?

The Easter Bunny asked me to repost these simple reminders:

In my experience, the Easter Bunny has always been a quiet character, however, I’m certain that if he could converse with moms across America, his comments to us would go something like this:

1. You can thank me later for NOT hiding an egg inside your “secret” drawer by the bed.

2. Carrots vs. cookies. I’m thinking Santa got the better end of the deal.

3. Oops, I had an “accident” on the Charlie Sheen look-alike shirt in your husband’s closet. Your welcome.

4. Yes, I know. You want less candy, more wine.

5. PLEASE remove the Fatal Attraction movie from your DVD collection. I left my anxiety meds at home.

6. Thank you for finally taking your kid to the potty before sitting on my lap at the mall.

7. Please explain to your children that the disheveled Peter Cottontail with the checkered bowtie at the bookstore is a “helper”. He’s giving me a bad reputation.

8. Peeps are like “speed,” ladies. If you were smart, you would steal them when your kids are not looking.

9. What? Bedazzled Easter eggs? What happened to good ol’ fashioned vinegar and food coloring from the 80s?

10. No, for the last time, I CANNOT deliver Ryan Reynolds in cellophane.