Daddy’s letter to Santa
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
Dear Santa,
How’s it going at The North Pole? Participated in any flash mobs this year? Based on the increased number of Christmas specials on TBS, I’d have to think you have royalty checks overflowing your workshop. Hope the reindeer don’t eat them.
Anywho, it’s my pleasure to write you today and ask that you do, in fact, place my daughters on the Nice List. It’s been an emotional year, one that’s seen some loved ones bow out and new loved ones bow in. But all in all, save a few incidents of hair-pulling and not abiding by the rules of seat-check, our girls have been great. I’d like to tell you about it in this Christmas Letter of Recommendation.
Our eldest, Ella, is in her second year of preschool (which she loves). She comes home most days sharing what she’s learned with us, like sign language, silly songs and jokes that, we’re pretty sure, she’s just making up. They make us laugh anyway. She worked really hard to write all her birthday thank-you cards by herself and can now do basic math, just like her old (yet incredibly handsome) dad.
My middle daughter, Anna, had a monumental year this year, becoming potty trained right around her second birthday. She was so happy. So were we. So were the blue M&Ms who had been living in fear during the potty training process and had been eaten at such an alarming rate that they started to hide—in our couch cushions, under the refrigerator, in plants, in pockets, up noses—anywhere they could to save their lives. She also learned how to spell her own name. Her Mom and I can no longer pass secrets notes about her anymore. Though, usually, those notes were about how much we love her, so we’ll probably still pass them.
My newest daughter, Mia, is still just a babe at 6 months, but she is a smiley one. Her recent accomplishments include eating solids (that are anything but solid), sitting up on her own, and shaking her rattle so hard it slips out and sails at least 8 feet. Sounds like someone wants matching father-daughter softball gear for Christmas. That someone is me. She’d probably be fine with a hoverboard.
And, while my wife didn’t ask for it, I’m going to put in a good word for her too. She’s dealt with a lot of adversity this year and somehow, someway still finds time to wear those god-awful thermal PJs that I hate so much. I hope you take care of her by putting big smiles on our kids’ faces—I know that’s the gift she wants most of all.
As for me, I don’t need anything. Just a loving family who gives me hugs when I need them will do. And for that, I will continue to be awesome.
I hope all is well and Mrs. Claus gets you that new Star Wars Blu-Ray set you’ve been wanting. If not, let me know. I’ll get it for you so long as you take those thermal PJs back with you to the North Pole.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
Brian A. Klems
Founder, CEO and Janitor of Team Klems
Brian A. Klems is a writer, editor and dad to three lovely little ladies. You can read more of his fatherly musings at TheLifeOfDad.com and connect with him on Twitter @BrianKlems.
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We always enjoy hearing the perspective of our favorite Daddy blogger. Merry Christmas to Brian and all the Daddy bloggers!
The Season of Innocence
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
If I had to show you innocence, I would show you smocking on a dress. A cup of milk. Frost on a jack-o-lantern. A dandelion in a plastic cup. Sidewalk art made with chalk. The way a baby’s lips move while he sleeps. A toddler hanging an ornament on a Christmas tree.
I think of innocence as a gift given to the new, the young. It’s a gift all three of my children are clinging to right know, though they don’t know it. And I know the knowledge that life holds bigger travesties than time-out and hunger for milk is coming.
I was not yet 5, catching lightning bugs with neighborhood friends, when the world became a bigger—and meaner—place to me. Up until that day I considered fireflies magical insects, fairness to be a given, and humans as beings who at least tried to be good. And then I watched as a little boy caught a lightning bug, ripped it apart and wiped the firefly’s softly glowing abdomen across his cheek, like primitive war paint. He laughed about it. No one scolded him. The lightning bug died, not in a Mason jar filled with grass but by the hands of someone who could have—and should have—simply cradled it and then let it fly away.
I was horrified.
Daily I’m amazed at what Sophie knows and yet, grateful for what she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know war. Illness, to her, is on the level of a skinned knee—not, say, cancer. She knows of death, in that two of her favorite dogs—Molly and Droopy—are no longer with us—but she doesn’t really know death, the absolute makes-you-want-to-cry permanence of it. She doesn’t know poverty. She gets upset when we’re out of milk—she has no idea the lengths many human beings go just to get clean water. She loves going places—she has no idea our car could crash. I believe she truly believes all people love her, respect her, are out for her best interest and that the worst people can do is not share their toys or scold or demand baths.
As a mother who holds innocence dear, and is OK with a white lie for the young, I love this season. I love telling my children that a plump, jolly, old Santa dressed in red and tarnished with soot is going to drive a reindeer-driven sleigh to our house on Christmas Eve, land on our roof, come down our chimney, fill our stockings, put presents under our tree, go back up our chimney, and then visit millions of other children’s houses—all in a single night. I love that they believe this.
I know life will slowly chip away at my children’s innocence. Or, something terrible may happen and their innocence may be gone in an instance. I don’t know how it will happen, I don’t know the horrors—and beauty—they’ll witness. And as much as I love their innocence I know it would be a disservice to never reveal life’s truths, both good and bad. They need to know them to grow. They need to know them in order to (I hope) become people who can change them, for the better.
Still, for now, I relish soft, white onesies. Well-worn picture books. Dolls that have been put down for naps. Angel imprints in backyard snow. Squeals of laughter. Hands that smell like clementines. And a plate filled with cookies and carrots, and a glass of milk, left by the fireplace on Christmas Eve.
Kara Gebhart Uhl is a freelance writer and editor living in Fort Thomas. She blogs regularly about her 3-1/2-year-old daughter and 19-month-old twin boys at pleiadesbee.com.
A special thank you to Kara for allowing us to run this brilliant (and most inspirational) post!
You can’t always get what you want
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CommiserATE
Just a little reminder this holiday that some of us won’t get everything we want.
Santa has elves. You have Target.
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Products We Love!
(Take 2. Let’s try this again since my site was down yesterday.)
After weeks of standing in lines that rival the Idol auditions, I’ve finally crossed the final gift off my Christmas list. That is, all but the “almighty” stocking stuffers.
Over the years, I’ve considered doing as they had done in the good ol’ days and shoved a handful of figs or apples down each stocking. However, I’m pretty sure my kids would rather have coal.
So year after year, I head out to purchase some last-minute, irrelevant gifts that end up making Santa look like the hero.
Well, this year I’m here to make it easy. And since our past stocking stuffer posts seemed to be a big hit, I thought, “Hey, why not rip off the Target tagline and give America’s #1 store a shameless plug.”
Here are my finds — all from the one-stop-shop we love & adore: Targét (pronounced tar-shay, of course)
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******** GIFTS FOR GIRLS ********
Elf Hypershine Lipgloss $3.00
With a name like “Elf” this pick was a no-brainer.
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Paul Frank Umbrella $7.99
Curious George, OUT. Paul Frank monkey, IN.
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Justin Bieber Under the Mistletoe CD $16.99
Even DAD will dig the surprise visit from Busta Rhymes on track 7. Best Christmas song I’ve heard!
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Apple iPod shuffle MP3 Player $43.99
ilove.
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Hello Kitty Cosmetic Bag – Pink 2 Piece Set $9.99
Heelllloooooo adorable! Great gift for girls of all ages.
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******** GIFTS FOR MOM ********
Elf Tweezer with pouch $3.99
You can never have too much bling. Even in your tweezers.
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Caldrea Essential Collection Products $5.99-$19.99
Check out this whole line of clean & green products.
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Flower Wristlet $9.99
A must-have for NYE. Comes in a variety of colors.
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Cashmere Cable Gloves $9.99-$19.99
Cable knit is the new black, my friends.
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The Help (hardcover) $16.97
Put up your DO NOT DISTURB sign and see why everyone loves this book.
Click here to see gifts for boys and dads… Read the rest of this entry…
The Mom Whisperers
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under EducATE
For those of you who are new around here, you may not know that I’m not the only one who talks hogwash on this blog. There’s a whole slew of us.
We are kind of like a gang.
A nice gang.
With diaper bags. And unshaved legs. And minivans.
I thought it may be fun to change it up around here and spotlight our different perspectives on life and motherhood. I asked our gals to answer a few questions and I think you may get a chuckle out of some of these answers.
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On your “WANTED” poster, what is your crime?
Mama Inspiration: Over-volunteering. I seriously need wristband weights that keep my arms by my sides in committee meetings. I can’t help myself. I’m a compulsive volunteerer and freaky organizer of causes, charity drives, fundraising campaigns and snack schedules. Before I go to meetings, I have to practice saying “no” with a mean serious face — just so folks know that I mean business.
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If you had a theme song, what would it be?
Eco-Mami: Big Yellow Taxi (not the crunchy Joni Mitchell version but the Counting Crows version, because I’m cool like that).
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On your “WANTED” poster, what is your crime?
One Crafty Mama: WANTED: Alive or Exhausted. THE CRIME: Holding on to an unwavering belief that even the largest craft project is easily completed. THE SUSPECT was last seen with a coating of glitter in her hair, bright red rubber-stamping ink smeared on her fingertips, and her right elbow accidentally hot-glued ot her side. IF SPOTTED: Please approach the suspect with caution. She is apparently delirious after once again insisting she could craft 75 Christmas cards by hand.
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If you could have one magical power, what would it be and how would you use it?
Desperate Housemommy: I would be most interested in having a Universal Volume Remote feature imbedded in my fingertips. I’d walk around pointing and zapping at everything and anything that irks me. For instance: My ten year-old daughter picks up her flute and starts practicing Hot Cross Buns. For the thirty-sixth time. ZAP. What practice? What flute? OR my youngest launches into a ten-minute soliloquy on the attributes of Beyblades, which invariably culminates in a plea to visit the toy department at Target. ZAP. Bey-who? Sorry, darlin’. No comprendo.
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What do you wish you could win a trophy for?
Mama Inspiration: Niceness. I am seriously really nice. I’m so darned nice that I even irritate myself for it because sometimes I don’t really want to be nice. I just want to say “shut up and get the heck out of my way.” But I don’t, I smile and say “would you mind….” It’s really a sick thing. But if I got a trophy for it, that would be nice.
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If you had a theme song, what would it be?
Cardio Queen Mama: GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN … on the gym floor, of course … eating dark chocolate almonds … um, and maybe with a glass of chardonnay … all while wearing knee high boots. What? Get your own theme song.
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Name three people with whom you’d most like to play Twister.
Eco-Mami: No doubt, I’d chose John Muir, Teddy Roosevelt & Al Gore. I’d ask them what inspired them to be their generation’s voice to protect the environment, all while shouting “left hand yellow, right foot green”. Also, I’d try everything to get Al to say “lockbox”.
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Find them under “The Moms” tab for links to their blogs!
Elf on the Shelf, The New “Supernanny”
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
As I said on my Facebook page, “Let the 2 a.m. ‘holy-crap-I-forgot-to-move-the-damn-elf’ crisis’ begin.”
We all know, December is one of the most laborious times of year. We dust off our SuperMom capes and quickly transform into the “get up at 4 a.m. deal finder, Clark W. Grizwold decorator, fruitcake-buying obsessive grocery shopper, wonder-twins-activate gift wrapper” kind of Superhero.
Do we really need one more thing on our to-do list?
Was Santa, the jolly old elf we’ve all known for decades, not enough magic for our children?
Apparently someone didn’t think so.
So along with texting, tweeting, liking and poking, we now welcome a new phenomenon that, for many of us, puts our weakest link to the test: our memory.
Trust me, I had heeded the warnings from many of you on the mom-front. Stories of elf disasters, midnight discoveries and disappointed children. However, after weeks of looking into my son’s “why-Santy-Claus-why-Cindy-Lou-Hoo” eyes, I finally succombed to the pressure and joined the forces of Elf-on-the-shelf-dom.
Yes folks, I caved. And what to my wondering eyes DID appear?
Two beautiful, bright-eyed perfect children.
This magical little elf (and I DO mean magic) wiped away all bad behavior like Mr. Clean himself. Even the Supernanny couldn’t produce results this quickly.
No arguing. No teasing. No complaining. No chore procrastinating.
*cue angels strumming harps to Peace on Earth
It was like … well, magic.
So ladies, as I kick back and reap the benefits of our creepy, little imposter for 25 more days (to be exact), I raise a glass to Carol Aebersold and her daughter Chanda Bell, the lovely ladies that threw Santa to the wolves and brought the Elf-on-the-Shelf to the forefront. They will forever go down in the history books as ‘pure genius’… right next to Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and the guy who invented the ShamWow.
Naughty, nice & freakin’ hysterical
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
Important public service announcement coming your way from the Big Kahoona here at SoMo. And it happens to have something to do with that little social media site called Facebook. You may have heard of it.
Anyway, are you ready?
Naughty Betty. Must “Like”.
I’m a complex woman, folks.
And WHY would you do that, my cynical friends?
WELL, BECAUUUSSSEEEE … they are the “Jerry Seinfeld” of consumer merchandise! The “Ellen” of paper goods! The “Phil Dunphy” of greeting cards!
Here, let my creepy, little Elf on The Shelf show you what their demented (and fabulous) minds have been thinking lately ….
1. Someone please explain to us how the Duggars have time for sex.
2. One of the hardest decisions a Mom has to make: Do you Simon Le Bon? Or Jon Bon Jovi?
3. New game: Every time a presidential candidate makes you cringe, do a shot.
4. Note to Sandals Resorts: Everyone in your commercials looks like they’ve taken too much ecstacy.
5. If My Life Were A Nailpolish Color: BERRY BERRY BLOATED.
6. Congrats on your new perfume, Snooki. You are no longer just an awesome Halloween costume.
7. It’s time to see who’s the Alpha neighbor. The Christmas light competition is on!
Funny, right?
And for your viewing pleasure, here is some brand, spankin’ new “Betty” to kick off your holiday!
Surely, I’m not the only one that finds this hysterical? Raise your glass with Pink and say “Cheers” to the girls at Naughty Betty for having the best dang job on the planet! Find Naughty Betty here.
Thanking the person who invented Reese’s
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Dish It!
This is the time of year we dig deep and think about what we are truly thankful for.
A loving husband. Healthy children. Food on the table. A roof over our heads.
Yes, I am grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life, but let’s go outside the box and have a “shallow” moment here.
As a mom, I can think of a few extra things to be thankful for. Things like all day kindergarten, Spanx, a night out with the girls, Kohl’s cash, lash-thickening mascara … and the person who invented chocolate.
So sticking with last week’s pilgrim theme, I wanted to share a festive Turkey Day goodie for the kids (and grown-ups) that even I think is easy to whip up.
Ingredients
• 1 cup vanilla frosting
• 7 drops yellow food coloring
• 32 miniature peanut butter cups
• 1 package (11-1/2 ounces) fudge-striped cookies
• 32 pieces orange mini Chiclets gum
Directions
In a small shallow bowl, combine frosting and food coloring. Remove paper liners from peanut butter cups.Holding the bottom of a peanut butter cup, dip top of cup in yellow frosting. Position over center hole on the bottom of cookie, forming the hatband and crown. Add a buckle of Chiclets gum.
NOTE: The hardest part of this recipe was finding mini Chiclets. I used the large ones and cut them in half (or you could use the tip of a candy corn).
May you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!
The one where I pretend I’m The Fashion Police at the AMAs
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Bless Their Hollywood Hearts!
There was no shortage of fashion nightmares at last night’s American Music Awards — even with Gaga absent. So just in case you missed it, I’ll get right down to business and present to you “The worst of the 2011 AMAs.”
1. Nicki Minaj kicked off this year’s American Music Awards like only Nicki Minaj can. No doubt, an impressive opening act with an explosive mix of music, lights & heavy smoke from DJ David Guetta. And of course, what opening act would be complete without a shiny new set of boob clocks and butt speakers. Take THAT, Gaga.
2. No doubt, many of you will witness yours truly jammin’ to the tunes of Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album in the carpool line. As for his outfit during last nights performance of Mistletoe? Well, that’s something to be discussed. To me, it was a little like Usher meets Elvis — however, online sources described it as: … part street bike apparel, part Michael Jackson attire … circa “Bad.”
3. This one is a little less about fashion and a little more about the “EWW” factor. Two Words: Marc Anthony. By the way, I tried to find an image of last nights performance donning his infamous vein protruding from his forehead … but all that popped up when I Googled him was J.Lo. Ouch.
4. Apparently Oprah isn’t the only one that has had a long, lost sister all of these years. Who knew Elroy & Judy Jetson had a half-sister named Katy Perry? Psst! Katy. You went with the space theme last year.
5. Now I have no real star connections but don’t you think celebs have stylists that advise them of what NOT to wear at a function of this magnitude? Apparently Christina Aguilera’s was absent last night. The dress that has been described as a “sausage casing” was a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen. And … really, white, Christina? Isn’t it after Labor Day?
6. Lastly, it wasn’t the talent or controversy that stole the show, it was a bizarre performance from David Hasselhoff where he stripped down to his boxers and strutted with the dudes from LMFAO. I’m pretty sure I could come up with a list of a 101 people I’d rather see in smiley face boxers. Bless his heart, TMZ will have fun with this one tonight.
8 reasons I want to be a pilgrim mom
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
Despite the hardship, the disease and the fact that they spent 66 days on a cargo ship without a shower, eating bug infest biscuits … there are actually aspects of pilgrim life that I envy. Sound crazy, friends? Well, read on and find out why.
1. EAT YOUR HEART OUT. The feast in 1621 was said to have lasted for 3 WHOLE DAYS (resulting in our Thanksgiving weekend). And to think — eating for 3 days straight with no interventions suggesting the upcoming Biggest Loser season or a hint to “up” your Zoloft prescription.
2. ROLE REVERSAL. You’ll love this. In the Pilgrim tradition, it was the children who served the parents at every meal. Now wouldn’t you just love to have a chat with the ding-dong who changed those rules somewhere in the last 400 years?
3. LESS NAGGING. No need to harp on the children to use their utensils at the table. Apparently, the fork was nonexistent at that time so the whole crew feasted using only their hands. I say we all try this at Thanksgiving!
4. NO BAD HAIR DAYS. No siree. No worries over sneaking away to the salon before the holidays when you wear a coif (bonnet) each day. In fact, pilgrim moms say it even kept their hair clean — which would eliminate my need for $20 dry shampoo.
5. DRESS CODE. Boys and girls wore dresses until they were 7 years old. Now this is exciting, folks … the stress from coordinating the boy/girl outfits for the family christmas pictures always makes me want to jump from high places.
6. CELEB STATUS. If you think about it, Pilgrims are famous. They have their own holiday. We dress like them (well, in plays in November) and they will forever be in the history books. And to think … they never even had to appear on Jersey Shore or TMZ to get that way.
7. NO COUCH POTATOS. There was no such thing as a lazy teenager (or husband) on Thanksgiving day. Instead of slipping into those pants with the elastic waistband and plopping down in front of the tube, the Pilgrims headed outdoors to play sports. Pepcid, be gone!
8. DIRTY SECRETS. Since hygiene wasn’t a priority, neither was shaving your legs. Rejoice, my friends! And really, who was going to see your legs anyway under stockings, 2 layers of petticoats, a waistcoat & an apron.
There you have it. Not a bad gig. Now, where do you think I can find a coif in toile?
