Why a Mom would win The Hunger Games
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under LiberATE
I’ve said it before. Moms are powerful beings. From the mama bear instincts, to the superhero powers (we DO have them you know), we’ve got the drive and determination to achieve the impossible.
So with all of the Hunger Games hype and talk of the heroin we know as Katniss Everdeen, I can’t help but to think that if they would have thrown a Mom in the bunch, she would be SURE to have walked away the winner.
Let me break it down for you:
1. While a mom may not have been the sharp shooter of Katniss Everdeen (merely because of her lack of free time to train), moms have had years of practice perfecting the “deathgrip” in the Target toy isle. This skill alone would take down any opponent within an arm’s reach.
2. As you may recall, many of the tributes lost their lives due to surprise attacks. Thankfully as moms, our eyes in the back of our heads would have spotted any intruder from a mile away. Not to mention, our evil eye can shatter any invisible forcefield.
3. Along with having the poison control number permanently engraved in our brains, we have a sixth sense when it comes to spotting danger. There would be no way in hell we would ever go down due to eating a poisonous berry.
4. As moms, we are trained to deal with the weather elements of every season. From the bleachers, we endure windstorms, torrential downpours and scorching heat … all while taking pictures and dispensing sliced oranges and water bottles. While it may decelerate some of the other opponents, this would have zero effect on our performance in the arena.
5. After years of rescuing our children from tree branches and McDonald’s jungle gyms we’ve become extremely agile at morphing our bodies into positions only a seasoned yoga instructor could tolerate. This is a skill that would most definitely impress the Gamemakers.
6. The key to survival for any mom is Starbucks (and possibly an occasional glass of chardonnay). If our strategy involved Haymitch convincing the sponsors to skip the meds and focus more on “parachuting beverages”, we’d be as powerful as a PTA mom at kindergarten registration.
7. It’s no secret that moms have impeccable reflexes from years of catching projectile vomit, however we may not realize that we also have excellent sparring skills. Think about it. The sword motion mirrors our Visa swipe … and heck, that can take down our husband with a single stroke.
8. Lastly, our biggest advantage as an opponent is our lack of fear. After undergoing childbirth, mastering potty-training and the raising teenagers, mutant dogs and annoying birds seem as frightening as a purring kitten.
I pass the torch to Fabio
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CelebrATE
I’ve always heard that there is a point you get to in life, where you really don’t care what others think.
Well, apparently I’m here.
Now, I’ve just started venturing into the world of “vlogging” (a.k.a. video blogging) and you’ll see that when it comes to the camera, I’m no Ryan Seacreast. You’ll notice a collaboration of uncomfortable pauses, nervous hand-ringing and a few too-close-for-comfort moments where I turn on/off the camera — but after only a mere 234,553,999 out-takes, I finally nailed it.
In this video, you will find that I’ve stepped aside and passed the torch on to Fabio. I stand in, only as a translator, as Fabio tries a new approach to convince Ellen to help support our May 5th, Mom Prom event.
Fabio, take it away …
Click here to watch another ridiculous attempt to reach Ellen Degeneres.
A-Listers: Who’s dress would you rip off?
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CaptivATE
Get your mind out of the gutters.
I’m talking style here, ladies. Red Carpet Style. The best of the best in the world of fashion.
Why talk red carpet dresses now? Long after the Oscars and the Golden Globes?
Well, due to our long-awaited pre-prom dress party at the local consignment shop, there has been a lot of “fashion talk” around these neck of the woods.
Although our red carpet is made of polyester and our paparrazi are most likely our kids, the search for the perfect Mom Prom dress is an important part of the process.
This is where we browse the aisles and ask: What does this dress say about us? How does it reflect our personality?
… OR we say “Who the hell cares what they think! This matches my banana clip perfectly!”
Regardless, I thought it would be fun to take a look at the different styles … and as an added BONUS, I’ll reveal who’s dress you’ll be “ripping off” in the world of A-listers.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Simple & Sleek •
Less is definitely more. You’re a no frills kind of gal, but what’s there is top-notch.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Little Black Beauty •
You have the ability to adapt just about anywhere. Family friendly, with a wild side behind the door.
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• High-End Stunner •
You require the best. Sticker shock is only for the weak.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Vintage Intriguer •
You know that a classic look never dies. They only get better with time.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Modern Runway •
You are current and on the edge. You belong to the city … somewhere alongside Carri Bradshaw & the girls.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Risky Business Rebel •
Your look may be modern, but secretly it states: business in the front, party in the back.
…………………………………………………………………….
• Once Upon a Time •
Whether it be Cinderella or Cindy Lauper, you’re the talk the party; never afraid to stand out.
Spring Break. THEN vs NOW.
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under CommiserATE
I’m no spring chicken.
And on most days, I’m ok with that. But nothing carves out that reality more, than being surrounded by a beach full of spring breakers.
After recently returning from the Sunshine State with the family in tow, I realized that Spring Break takes on a whole new meaning with kids … and I’m not sure “break” is the correct terminology.
I’d like to revisit my younger years for a moment and share with you a little THEN vs. NOW … Spring Break style.
The Roadtrip
THEN: Suitcase consisting of 5 cute bikinis. Dad’s Chrysler LaBaron. Guns & Roses and Poison soundtracks. A cooler of Busch Light.
NOW: Minivan bursting with Pillow Pets and Polly Pockets. A cooler of Capri Sun. Justin Bieber and Big Time Rush CD. A bottle of Cupcake chardonnay (hidden under front seat).
Things to Worry About
THEN: Unsuccessful fake ID. Tan lines.
NOW: Pedifiles. Rotovirus. Inexperienced lifeguards. Sharp shells on beach. Bedbugs. Bad language from spring breakers.
The Pool
THEN: Read. Nap. Read. Nap. Flirt with cute lifeguard. Take a dip. Read. Nap.
NOW: Open to People magazine crossword page and quickly answer 1 and 3 across. Wipe off puddle of water that was just dripped on People magazine by hungry offspring. Distribute snacks. Take child to potty. Play referee between arguing siblings. Distribute 2 time outs. Revisit crossword and answer 5,7 and 9 down (on a roll). Pick up sobbing child from pavement. Find Bandaid. Wipe tears… you get the idea.
The Beach Bag Contents
THEN: Raybans. Cute beach towel. Hawaiian Tropic SPF 2. Tin foil.
NOW: $5 Target sunglasses with peeling plastic. SPF 100+. SPF 180+. Beach umbrella. Portable potty. 1,237,746,553 beach toys. Goldfish (crushed at bottom of bag). Unread soggy, People magazine.
The Nightlife
THEN: Get a buyer. Find the club that might land you on MTV’s Dance Party. Pray that you don’t get an open intox.
NOW: Get a shower. Find the restaurant with no wait time. Pray you aren’t in the room next to spring breakers.
Sound familiar?
If the Easter Bunny could talk…
Posted by Stephanie | Filed under Tis The Season
The Easter Bunny asked me to repost these simple reminders:
In my experience, the Easter Bunny has always been a quiet character, however, I’m certain that if he could converse with moms across America, his comments to us would go something like this:
1. You can thank me later for NOT hiding an egg inside your “secret” drawer by the bed.
2. Carrots vs. cookies. I’m thinking Santa got the better end of the deal.
3. Oops, I had an “accident” on the Charlie Sheen look-alike shirt in your husband’s closet. Your welcome.
4. Yes, I know. You want less candy, more wine.
5. PLEASE remove the Fatal Attraction movie from your DVD collection. I left my anxiety meds at home.
6. Thank you for finally taking your kid to the potty before sitting on my lap at the mall.
7. Please explain to your children that the disheveled Peter Cottontail with the checkered bowtie at the bookstore is a “helper”. He’s giving me a bad reputation.
8. Peeps are like “speed,” ladies. If you were smart, you would steal them when your kids are not looking.
9. What? Bedazzled Easter eggs? What happened to good ol’ fashioned vinegar and food coloring from the 80s?
10. No, for the last time, I CANNOT deliver Ryan Reynolds in cellophane.
